IF YOU KNEW JACK
If you knew Jack you would know how much he loved good food, music, video games, , fishing, jazz bars, comedy clubs, comforting people and making them laugh, time spent with close friends, family, his cats but above all he loved Jules.
Jack was a desperately wanted child since before he was born.
Alexandria and Mat begged for a sibling and were thrilled when after 2.5 years Charlie and I finally announced we were having a baby. He was rubbed through my belly and talked to everyday and when he finally arrived they were so proud of him. They loved pushing him in the stroller and asking anyone nearby “ do you want to see my baby?”
It was obvious at a very young age Jack had a great sense of humour and loved to prank his siblings,their friends and cousins. He loved to go to comedy clubs and he wanted to be a comedian, he was working on his “bits” so he could get a routine together. I loved hearing him talk about it although he never wanted to let me hear the “bits” as he wasn’t ready.
He loved to ski and snowboard and for me to take his friends every Wednesday during ski season and play hooky. That was the best, if you got to do your fave activity and skip classes at the same time.
Jack went to paint ball once then did his research and found out that Speedball was where the real fun happened . Instead of shooting 150-200 balls a session he would shoot 2000 or more. For a year we would go to Etobicoke every Tuesday and Sunday evenings and he would play with all adult men 18-38 and they would take turns having him on their team.
He was so shy with these grown men and barely talked but he played well and they were great with him. He was so proud of the way they included him and treated him as an equal on the field. He was fearless and even though the balls came extremely fast and he would be hit with multiple balls in the same spot often on top of bruises that hadn’t healed from the last game he never made a sound.
It would be just the two of us on these dates , I picked him up early from school on Tuesday and we would stop for shwarma -extra spicy and then later in the evening we would get Burrito Boys- haddock with medium hot sauce. It was our special date and he would tell me I was the best Momma ever for taking him and how much he loved me. Jack had a way of saying he loved you that you could feel deep into your soul.
Jack was so stubborn in the best of ways. My favourite example of this was told to me recently by his best friend Sean. He told me that after his mom had passed that everyone including the other guys would ask him how he was doing and he would say he’s fine. That ended those conversations but not with Jack, he was stubborn and would insist that Sean wasn’t fine and kept at him until he talked about his feelings. He’s the one that helped him the most with the loss of his Mom.
Jack was the best Hype Man, for me he always found ways to praise me and make me feel special. He would notice if I did my makeup and tell me how great I looked. If I did even a basic blowout he would tell me how nice my hair was.
He would check out my new clothes and tell me how nice my dress was, if he liked my outfit he’d say
“you stylin momma!’’ He gave great praise for meals, especially after he left home for a while and would be back to stay with us. He really appreciated not having to cook every meal himself or with Jules. When he lived away he would tell me all the time how much he missed me doing the cooking and wished I was there doing it for him and Jules. He would constantly find ways to praise you and show appreciate for anything you’d done for him. He was everyone’s Hype Man, he had a way of knowing exactly what to say to make you feel valued.
Jack was optimistic, he could see the best in someone and would try his best to help better their lives in small or larger way.
One example I heard was in Halifax he met someone on the jobsite whose brother had excema. The next day Jack show up with laundry detergent , hand soap, body wash ,
and lotion. He knew that using those better products would help the kids skin like it had for him so he didn’t mind sharing his. No charge, he just wanted to help.
Jack had X-ray vision to see into someones soul and see where they hurt. He had such compassion for them and wanted to help anyway he could.
He made friends with a homeless man named Olly in Halifax. He would stop and have a chat, check in on him. He knew sometimes you just needed someone to look at you and really see you.
Jack could keep a secret. One day, I think he was in grade 10 he told me he was going to take the bus into Newmarket for a bit and he’d be back later. He wouldn’t tell me where he was going when I asked. He didn’t want me to drive him and when pushed he said it was a secret he couldn’t tell me but not to worry. This had the opposite effect I had more questions and he would only tell me he had to help a friend and couldn’t tell me about it as it’s a secret and he promised not to tell anyone. I felt panicked about what this unknown friend could want him to do and I said he was grounded. He insisted he needed to leave he couldn’t let the friend down. More argument’s and I kept insisting he couldn’t leave . Eventually he relented and said the friend was going through a really bad time and was admitted to the hospital and no one at school was allowed to know. The friend wanted only him to visit because he trusted Jack to keep a secret, that everything for him would be worse if word got out at school. I asked Jack who this friend was and he wouldn’t tell me his name, he said it was private and he gave his word. It didn’t matter that I wouldn’t have told anyone at school it was important he kept his word. Jack was allowed to go after I realized he wasn’t risking himself on this secret meeting. This wasn’t the only kid he supported with their struggles, Jack had a way of knowing who needed him and being there at the right time.
Jack was brave, in 2020 at 19 during the worst of the pandemic Jack took a job transporting the dead from hospitals and homes to funeral homes, the morgue, or crematorium. I was traumatized thinking about my baby dealing with that side of life and he said he was nervous, especially the first few times but that it was an important job, that this was a hard time for people and they needed help. I kept insisting that it didn’t need to be him but he was stubborn and wouldn’t budge. He did this for three months and quit after the promised raise didn’t arrive. Jack felt that was unethical and your word should be your bond.
Jack was a researcher, when a topic interested him he would dive deeply into it and look at it from many angles. When he was 14 he told me about the harmful effects of fluoride and how it was bad for you in many ways including calcification of the Pineal Gland. When he started explaining that to me I just went along with him and started buying fluoride free toothpaste. I’ve lost track of the things that he told me over the years,the wild ideas he had that later would become mainstream facts.
A few months before he passed Charlie and I shared a dinner with Sean and him and we were having a great time,they were laughing with me, not at me that finally I was coming to know things they had know for years.
He was so brave, the last few months before he died he talked about starting to pray, he told this to many and would ask them what they thought created the world. I was surprised to hear this after he passed,he never mentioned it to me but I heard it from Jules , his friend, Mat and Charlie. Charlie told me about the conversation they had, how Jack was so brave to argue with him saying “ look…just look at all this.. do you really think it was just an accident ?” Charlie said it takes alot of guts to argue with your father about that. We never raised our children to believe in god, to follow religion, or believe in the afterlife. We tried to teach them by example as well as by our words how to treat people well and lead a good life helping others. Jack knew the last few years since my brother Duane passed my view had changed on the afterlife, spirits and energy but he never mentioned this to me, that’s a discussion I would love to have.
Jack liked being a bricklayer and he was proud of his family business. He spent months at a time in Nova Scotia and he worked for a couple of masonry companies while he was there but he didn’t like the culture on those job sites. He was used to being with his father and brother who treat everyone with respect and accomplish alot in a day at a very high standard. He was proud that they had a small crew who did large jobs quickly. He was proud that they worked for some of the top home builders in Toronto and the way all the other trades and builders treated them. He told me about how different the culture on Charlies job sites were. He was proud that his father handled complications with a level hear and without temper or ego. He had a hard time accepting the regular construction site attitudes and behaviours on other sites and was happy when he could be back with Charlie and Mat.
Something Jack enjoyed was being the site BBQ master and would bring the grill - get their favourite sausages and make sure they were cooked perfectly . Even when it was just frozen burgers he did a great job with them making sure everyone enjoyed a good lunch.
Jack had an amazing memory. Not in the regular sense that statement usually means, he had ADHD and he had a memory processing disability but he remembered what was important to someone. He remembered to check in on his friends, he remembered what they liked to eat, what type of music they liked, their hopes and dreams and what they needed to make them feel better. He didn’t just remember he acted when he was needed and he had a special sense to know when that was.
If you knew Jack you knew his ADHD and memory processing problem contributed to his anxiety. He would talk about his struggles with these things as he tried to help you with your mental health struggles. He could be the best support someone else ever had but he couldn’t quite manage to help himself the way he needed. His ADHD caused him to have problems with impulse control and depression but he kept struggling on. Jack believed in the power of laughter and would say “ it’s ok to be sad but you have to laugh”
Meeting Jules was the best thing that happened to him. They met at 19 and were together for 4.5 years. They had 2 cats together, plans for marriage and a family. Jack was so proud of Jules doing her Marine Biology Degree and told me how she wanted to rebuild the coral reefs after she graduated and he wanted them to move to Bermuda so she could do that before they started a family. He was passionate about her fulfilling her dreams.
If you knew Jack you know that he wants everyone to go on, not in sorrow at his passing but in celebration of the good memories. That he would want you to look back at those good memories and not going forward thinking about what could have been.
If you really knew Jack you were very lucky to have had him for a time even if that time was too short. In the very wise words of Dr. Seuss
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."