Remembering DJ
In June of 2023 we attended the play Hamilton as a family in San Antonio. There is a key phrase throughout the performance: “You Have No Control Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story.” While I have tried to write about Dad over his journey the past 14 months, I want to do my best attempt to tell you more about his story.
Darlis, Dad, Papa, Honey (only for mom), DJ. Husband, Father, Grand Father, Best Friend. We all had different names for him, but he was the person who inspired us, believed in us, and always “had our backs.” For both My mother and me, Dad was our rock.
We created a link to a slide show of several images of Dad’s life set to music you can find here. Pictures are always worth a thousand words so if you have the chance to watch it, I think it will give you some insight into DJ. I assure you we did not include Roll me up and smoke me when I am gone by Willie Nelson although dad would’ve probably suggested it to be funny. I promise we did Not include Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven or Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On as no one wants that level of torture. Dad requested a few of the songs in the video, specifically beginning with Allison Krauss.
There is an old saying that You can take the boy out of Oklahoma, but you can never take the Oklahoma out of the boy. Dad remained true to his roots to the end. Raised by farmer parents, he experienced both the passing of his father at a young age and homelessness. This shaped Dad’s belief that all you need is the love of your family, a roof over your head and a collection of unique gadgets, swords, and ANY American flag shirt available from Academy or Bass Pro Shops.
When you are raised by great depression parents, everything has value. This was very much true for Dad. He felt everything had value, even 40-year-old computer equipment. Except Neckties. Dad passionately hated neck ties. I often half joked that I was eternally grateful that Dad tried to find value in everything. It was the only way I could explain how he kept his belief in me during my teenage years.
Whether you knew Dad for a lifetime or just met him, it did not take long to figure out he was an engineer to his core. Logical, analytical, practical. Dad proudly displayed a sign at his office for many years then finally at his home. Never But Never Question the Engineers Judgment. Dad retired as a chief engineer for the B1 and B 52 Bombers. He was instrumental in designing the weapons and avionics software not only for the B1, B-2 and B-52 aircraft, but also was part of the design for two of the most technologically advanced weapons in existence today, the JDAM and LSRAM Missiles. Dad and I often talked on our commute home from work in the afternoon and one specific Tuesday he called to tell me he had to borrow Nukes for a test they were doing on a B-1. To Dad this was normal. I was in awe.
Upon Dad’s retirement after 35 years of service to his country, various leadership flew into OKC to pay tribute to Dad. They presented him with flags flown over Afghanistan and the White House, as well as signed letters of appreciation from the Governor of Oklahoma and the President of the US. From a work perspective, Dad made a huge impact on the world. Never But Never Question the Engineers Judgment. It seems the Air Force also agreed.
Dad had such a huge love of life and sense of humor. If you met my Dad for 10 minutes, you would have heard at least 2 jokes or puns in that short period of time. During one of his treatment sessions, dad brought up buying a tombstone and discussed engraving it with either “I was hoping for a pyramid” or “my final deep dive.” When Dad was in the hospital this last time and could not speak, he would still try and write down little jokes to make us smile. He also had a huge heart. When his granddaughters arrived from Nashville to see him in the hospital, the first thing he wrote down to them was “what took you so long (with a smiley face).” He then followed that up with this phrase to Kaylee and Ashley, “I’m Proud of You.”
I mentioned dad knew homeless as a child, but he was also extremely sick and did not really speak until he was around 9 years of age. We learned later that Dad was autistic when no one knew what it was. He overcame all of that to graduate high school at 16, married my mother at 18 and had me at 19. He worked nights while earning his degree in EE from the U of A (Arkansas) during the day. His work ethic is unrelenting, as is his loyalty and respect for people he felt earned it. Be color blind and economically blind when it came to people Dad would always tell me. Dad was an immoveable force when it came to standing up for what he believed was right, regardless of the consequences. I have an Early memory of DAD protesting a KKK rally in Rogers, AR because there was not an alternative in his mind.
Dad rarely judged people, although he was often quoted as saying he did not suffer fools lightly. He did evaluate people by what they try to do for others. Dad had no respect for materialistic people or people whose entire focus was themselves. If you ever wanted to make Dad’s skin crawl, tell him you were praying for a designer pair of shoes and God provided. You should always expect more from your family and he politely walked away from people in his life that made life difficult for everyone, even some that were blood related. Surround yourself by people that live by the motto “how can I help” and know when to politely back away from toxic relationships. So, it seems that not just in his career, but also in life, maybe Dad was also right. Never But Never Question the Engineers Judgment.
Dad never smoked, cussed, or drank in his life although he did occasionally warm up to a couple of colorful words towards the end with some incredibly funny moments. I have held off on this story as it is a little off color (and feel free to skip to the next paragraph), but I want to share it now as I think it does a great job of illustrating Dad’s sense of humor even in the most difficult times. During one of his treatment sessions, the Doctor or PA would always come by at the beginning to see how Dad was doing the previous week. At this stage, Dad was on dozens of prescriptions, but two of those were Morphine and Codeine. While very effective for pain management, one rough side effect was brutal constipation. Thus, the doctor prescribed a couple of new meds to help, one of which was a suppository. As the doctor left the room, I started laughing to which Dad asked me what I found funny. I looked at Dad and told him “this may be the ONLY time in our life together I can tell you to shove something up you’re a** and get away with it.” Dad cracked up laughing, stopped long enough to look at me and replied, “And I would give you S..T for that.” We laughed about that for weeks to follow.
In Corinthians 13, the words “love always protects” was deeply revered by my Dad. His loyalty and patience knew no bounds. Even if I had committed a crime, he would’ve walked into the police station by my side and publicly tell everybody I’m still his son and he loved me unconditionally. Thankfully, I never committed a crime although dad and his brother from another mother (Rick Ham) checked that box by accident while in high school. Dad loved telling this story. The summary is Dad and Rick were working at a tire and brake shop and got a call from the local barber to pick up his car, a blue sedan in front of his store, and do some alignment work on it. Dad and Rick picked up the car and got to work repairing it. Three hours later, the barber calls Dad and asks when they were going to pick up his car? Dad responded we already did and are working on it. The barber replied he was staring at his car through his window, and it was most assuredly still there. As fate would have it, there was two of the same car, parked by each other, and both had left their keys in the car. Dad and Rick drove the “stolen” car to the Police Station and walked in to explain the situation. As I understand it, the Sargent on duty about died of laughter and the persons who car was “stolen” ended up with a lot of free automotive repair work that day.
I want to take a moment and acknowledge the relationship that Rick and my dad had. They met in high school, both new kids in band in high school at Wagoner, OK (just north of Muskogee, OK). Ricks Dad was pastor of the church they attended, and my Dad was incredibly shy and had a very difficult time with his speech at this stage of life. That friendship remained for over 50 years. Even with the gaps in between that life can throw at any relationship, they always picked back up where they left off no matter how long they were separated. My dad was always very loyal and grateful for their friendship, and I can’t begin to express enough our love and admiration as a family for Rick and Ramona for their support of Dad through this journey. Rick gave the eulogy at Dad’s funeral in San Marcos and will do so again at Dad’s memorial in OKC. I do not want to take away anything Rick will say, but his words were deeply touching and profound. Dad genuinely loved Rick as a brother.
I love you for Dad took many forms. He was truly an acts of service man. From driving 7 hours in a day to help me change a battery (that I did Not need but that was not the point), to moving help across the US, to helping tornado victims in Moore, OK. Dad was the first inline to step up and lend a hand. He always ran into the fire. His humor was another way of letting you know he cared. He wanted to make you smile and laugh. Take Care was his go to phrase. Dad was always a man of actions over words. He hated form over substance.
Dad and I spent a lot of time together the past 18 months. It was time we were both extremely grateful for. Around the time Dad began treatment at MD Anderson, I received an article in a daily email feed titled “Questions to Ask your Dad While He is Still Here.” Thus, I asked Dad a question during each treatment session about his life. I want to share some of those responses with you now, in his words.
◦ Why did you choose your career? Interested in science in high school, started as philosophy major because of family pressure to become a preacher. Started working with computers at Systematics in Fayetteville, became bored with computer programming, then found Electrical Engineering, and enjoyed designing computers. Earned his Undergrad in semiconductor design at U of A in Fayetteville.
◦ What did you admire most about your own father? His calmness and gentleness, although he let himself get taken advantage of a lot. Last thing he told dad was don’t give into anger. Did teach him to make your own luck. Mother? Pies. Her laughter around family. Her sneakiness and her orneriness. She just said stuff you had to laugh at. She scrounged through every trash bin to find stuff that could be used.
◦ Regret? Taking the trip to Wild Horse canyon in the Camry in the early 90’s. Had to carry mom across waist deep creeks. Lost bolt in brake caliber because road was so rough. Had to drive 100 miles on interstate using emergency brake and gears.
◦ What are you most proud of in your life? His family, what he did on the B-1 relative to current weapon systems. Laser J Dam and anti-ship missiles.
◦ Who was the most influential person in your life? As a teenager, it was Dan Hall (Dad’s brother-in-law). Working for Systematics, it was Don Hahn. Late 80’s, early 90’s was Bill Henson who gave him the first lead engineer position. Then Phil Perkins, made dad a supervisor. Chiresh Chanda in 2002 brought dad back into the B1 program. Pastor Bill Webb at Dayspring church in the late 80’s.
◦ Anything you regret NOT doing in your life? Not having as much life experience in high school to better appreciate life now.
◦ What mistake taught you most about life? Relying on Dan (Hall) when he moved to Tulsa in 1973 for an easy way out instead of staying in school.
◦ How do you think your father/mother would have described you? Mama adored him. Would do anything possible to help him. Might be disappointed how he views the church now. Super proud of him every other part in life.
◦ What world event had the most impact on you? OKC Bombing
◦ What do you enjoy the most about being a father? Watching me grow up and find all the common interests we love to do together as adults.
◦ What was the hardest moment for you as a father? Hardest moment as a father? You know this one. Ninth grade when I realized that I needed to get away from the physical and authoritarian approach I was raised with and do something different before I lost you ( I wrote about this in a separate post the week Dad passed away ironically).
◦ What are your biggest Life lesson’s?
◦ Be kind.
◦ Try to be forgiving even though you are in the right but stand by your convictions.
◦ There is a difference between forgiveness and weakness. You can forgive while still holding your ground for what is right. Remember, NO ONE has the right to manipulate you, attack you, or willfully hurt you.
◦ Try to resolve conflicts privately.
◦ Realize what your goals are but be flexible. Life happens.
◦ Act. When you see something is not right Solve the problem now. Most problems only get worse over time.
◦ Remember to enjoy life. It really is about your relationships, your experiences and what we do for others.
◦ I have a strong sense of right and wrong. Just because someone says they are a religious leader does not mean they automatically get to influence you. They are human too. They don’t have a separate railroad to God. Do your own research and develop your own relationship with God.
◦ See humor in Life. Every pun/joke is a barb to old Mr. Death that life is good.
I do want to comment on my dad’s statement about religious leaders. Our family did have several brutal experiences with people who claimed to be “Godly Men,” and then stole mass amounts of funds from my parents and committed other crimes. Having said that, three of the people my dad most respected in his life were pastors. His Uncle Paul, who he named me after, Pastor Bill Webb, and his lifelong friend Rick Ham.
Dad was intentional, and I have learned in my 50 years this is one of the biggest keys to life. Be Intentional. He found common activities for both his marriage to my mother as well as with me as his son. He continued this with his granddaughters. Dad and I went to an OU football game almost every year of our life beginning in 1985 until COVID hit in 2020. We would talk weekly, sometimes just about what was happening with OU, something he discovered about our ancestry, or an article he read on quantitative finance he thought I would appreciate. Anything that happened in my life was not real until I talked with Dad about it. Dad was my house project and woodworking buddy, my landscaping consultant, my daily basketball scrimmage partner as a kid. He was mom’s biggest supporter, protector and at times her biggest challenge ?. He always pushed mom to move past her fears and try new things. My mother went from a person who was barely outdoors as a kid to a couple that hiked all over every national park in the US. To his granddaughters, he was their life coach, academic tutor, Harry Potter book/movie buddy. To my wife Maggie, he was the father she did not have for the first 22 years of our life together. Her cooking buddy. To us all, he was our constant source of laughter, patience, objectivity, support and love. He never compromised his integrity for anything. In every sense of the term, he was our rock. Rick’s eulogy for Dad was truly beautiful, and I do want to relay one comment from it. You will never find a person in your lifetime that was more Christ like in how they lived and served others like his friend Darlis.
Dad lost roughly 160 pounds over his battle with cancer. During the last few months of his life, we had reached a first in our life together. We essentially had the same body weight. Over the last few months, countless medical professionals working with Dad would see us together and comment how it was like looking in a mirror. I never knew how much we looked alike until we had roughly the same weight. I am 85% my father in terms of my personality, believes, etc... I have been told recently how physically similar I am to him. I can’t think of a better compliment. One of the greatest gifts in my life with Dad was that I never had to explain anything to him. We were always on the same page.
At approximately noon on Friday December 1st, we laid Dad to rest under a 100-year-old live oak tree draped in Spanish Moss in San Marcos. At the top of a large hill, his grave overlooks the town and Texas State University. The cemetery pre-dates the Alamo, which is fitting for Dad. His love of history, the outdoors, his devout belief in education. His comfort in a small town, like his roots in Checotah, OK. All of this is personified in Dad’s final resting place. Mom and I selected his gravesite monument, along with a coordinating bench this past Monday. His monument will contain, per his request, a QR code that will link to his memorial page, next to an Air Force Medallion. It will contain information on our ancestry as well as pictures and stories of Dad. Forever the engineer. ? On the bench that will be placed next to his gravesite, it contains the words “Love Always Protects.” We were able to secure multiple burial spots next to Dad, with the intention that when the Good Lord calls us home, Mom, Maggie and I will be next to Dad.
Our family believes deeply in signs from above. When my grandfather/ Debbie’s father passed last year, I was in Florida as executor of his estate. My stomach was in knots as I made the drive to enter his house and was greeted with a double rainbow that morning. I saw these three other times on that trip in Florida and once again the moments before we had his memorial service in July of 2022. That was the same day Dad and I found out he had cancer. The. Night before Dad passed, it was a cloudy, misty day here in San Marcos. The clouds broke that evening just enough for the moon to shine bright in full view, with the most brilliant rings around the moon we had ever seen. The night of Dad’s passing, the same thing happened again. The following morning, Maggie and I sat at our table looking at our backyard when a Cardinal came up and sat outside our window for about 10 minutes. Maggie asked if I knew what that stood for and then explained it to me. Over the course of the following week, mom and I would take multiple walks with Coco (their beloved schnauzer) and every time we would see a cardinal almost following us on our walks. Dad loved the stars and being outdoors. Thank you, Dad, and our father, in heaven for letting us know Dad is with you. We can only imagine the joke Dad told upon his arrival. God gave us an angel in my father, and he truly made us all better. I could write for days on Dad, but I will end on the final words I said at his funeral. I told dad that even though I challenged him a LOT as a child, I did learn to Never but Never Question the Engineers Judgment. I love you Dad, unconditionally. I will always have your back.